When I went to college, like most young people, I had no idea what I wanted to do.  I choose a major that was a nice generalized major, so that I could get into anything.  I managed to get a great internship with a major corporation.  I even received a job offer from them in the beginning of my senior year.  Then, one month before graduation, they rescinded the job offer because the company that I was to work for had merged with another company.  So, when I graduated from college, I had no job, but luckily this was at a time when there were a ton of jobs.  If you took a job and didn’t like it, no problem, another job was out there.  It was great, especially for someone like me who still had no idea what she wanted to do.

I found a position for an Assistant Buyer, which sounded great for someone who liked fashion, although I had no clue what an assistant buyer did.  I went in for the interview and got it. I think the most amazing thing was that I started a position that I didn’t even know existed, but I quickly fell in love with it.  It was the best of both worlds…a creative outlet in developing and shopping for new product, as well as an analytical outlet in evaluating sales and forecasting future sales.  I worked long hours, but I loved it so much that it wasn’t work to me.  I quickly got promoted to Associate Buyer, then Buyer.

Shortly after I was promoted to Buyer, Scott had his car accident.  Not only was I getting used to the role of wife, I now had to get used to the role of breadwinner.  I put enormous pressure on myself to continue the hours that I was working, while caring for a sick husband.  Quickly, the career that I loved so much, became something that I was beginning to resent.  It took up all of my time; time away from my husband, but there was so much that I still loved about it, plus, let’s face it…I needed the job because I had to support us.  The hours continued, and I was fortunate to continue to get promoted to Senior Buyer, then Divisional Merchandise Manager.

When I got pregnant with our son, I was forced into bedrest because of pre-term labor.  When I had him, I took off the 8 weeks of paid leave and went right back to work.  I continued to work crazy hours, now away from  my husband and my infant son.  The resentment continued to build.  Then, came my daughter and still the hours continued.  And it built.  Then, my husband died.  And it built.

It took some time for me to realize that while at one point in time, I had found value in the work that I did, after Scott’s death, it all seemed so pointless.  I was paid a lot of money, but I never saw my children. Since I never saw them, I bought them a lot of stuff.  I got 15 minutes with them before they went to school. I was never there to put them to bed.  On the weekends, I was too tired to play with them because of all of the hours that I had worked.  In the end, I realized that I was teaching my children that my work was more important than them, and that material things were more important than spending time together. It had to stop.

I left my career behind.  Now, I have no idea what to do with my life.  Is it scary?  You bet it is!  But, I have to believe that I will figure it out.  That I will discover my life’s passion, and that it will allow me to support my children, while being able to spend time with them.  Does that even exist?  I hope so.