Today, it’s been 3 years since my husband passed away. I hate using the word anniversary, because the word seems like a “happy” word to me. This is definitely not a happy anniversary.
I still can’t believe that he is gone. It feels like forever, while at the same time it feels like it was just yesterday. There are times when I find myself looking for Scott when I think something is funny. It’s like a kick in the gut every time to realize that he’s no longer here. Today, my mother in law asked me when I thought it would get less painful. I told her, I didn’t think that it ever would. It’s just a sad day for us. I think that no matter what is happening in our lives, this day will just be a “blue” day.
I miss him. I love him. I really wish he was still here. People ask me how I’m doing on this day. I say, “fine”. The truth is, I’m not really fine, but I don’t know how to express what I’m feeling. I feel sad, I feel angry, I feel resigned. However, I do look at our kids, and realize how lucky I am to have them. They are my joy.
The fact of the matter is that I was lucky to have Scott in my life. He was mine. He loved me through all my good and bad moments. And I loved him through his. While I still get angry about his life being cut short, I try and remind myself that I managed to have him for 15 years. It isn’t nearly enough time, but I do realize it’s more than some people get, and it will have to be enough.
I love you Scott. I miss you terribly.
