I think raising kids is difficult, no matter what the circumstances. I know that I continue to be fortunate to be able to hire help in getting my children to school and their after school activities, but those are just logistics.
The thing continues to baffle me is the question “why?”.
Why did I lose my dad? Why did my dad die before I was 1 year old? Why am I the one who doesn’t have a dad?
And I continue to struggle with the answer. Especially as my kids get older.
When my kids were younger, I would tell them, “I don’t know why this happened to you” or “I know that this isn’t fair”. But, as they continue to get older, I hear the words and they just don’t feel like they are enough. The words sound hollow, even to my own ears. I want someone to explain it to me.
How do you do it then? How do you raise kids after loss? I think the answer is different for everyone, but I can tell you what worked for me. Therapy.
With my son, I immediately put him into therapy after his dad passed. We were in therapy for 2 years. He had the most amazing therapist who not only taught him how to cope with his dad’s passing, she helped me navigate my son through those tough moments. She approached my son in a open and honest way, and he received as much insight from her that his 5 year old brain could handle. With his therapist’s help, I was able to field the why’s.
Now, my daughter is coming to an age where she is frequently asking the question why. And, just as I struggled with my son, I find myself struggling with my daughter. I remember talking to my son’s therapist and I thanked her for all of her help. I told her that I felt that with her help, I now had the tools to aid my kids in coping with their father’s passing. She said to me, “I helped you with your son, but your daughter will need help as well. She will be dealing with a different set of issues”. Boy, was she right! I frequently ask myself how can I help this little person? How can I help her, and not mess her up for her future.
So, again I am turning to the professionals. We will be starting therapy together. I’m hoping that with a therapist’s support, I can help my daughter as she grows up. I want to help her cope with her father’s loss. It’s something that many adults haven’t yet dealt with, yet I have to help my 9 year old. When I think of that, I just think of how unfair this situation is to my children. But, I guess my kids are just learning the lesson earlier…life isn’t fair. Life may not always be fair, but Life is what you make of it. And, I want to make sure that my kids don’t let my husband’s death define them. It is something that happened to them, but it isn’t who they are. My kids will probably never get the answer to their “why’s?”, but I am going to do my best to help them as they work to figure it out.